Do I make you nervous?

What Makes You Nervous?

I know what I want. At least, I think I do. When I want something, I get it. If I don’t want something, I say so. I don’t exactly know what I want out of life, but I do know a few things. I know I want that “American dream” - a happy marriage and a kid or two. For this reason, if I’m interested in someone or, heck, if I like them, they usually know it. Recently, this has caused some problem, though. 

A certain someone that I am blessed enough to have met told me a couple times that I made him nervous. I’m not sure why. Is it because I know what I want and I go for it? I don’t want to say I’m hung up on him, but I do enjoy talking and had a great time when we hung out. I want more. He asked for time to figure it out. I am the first to admit that I am VERY impatient when I care about something/someone. I hate waiting. I hating being in limbo. Even more, though, I hate rejection. 

Unfortunately, in this situation, I figure that the more time that passes, the more likely the “figuring out” is going to mean “no” and I absolutely hate this. I want to reset, reload, and move forward. I don’t want to start over. That would mean forgetting what has already happened. I don’t want to forget everything, just parts. 

From there, I’m also left wondering what this means for life in general. Do I make others nervous? Are they just afraid to tell me? I do have a very strong personality. I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind - regardless of topic. I’m also not one to get pushed around or walked all over. If that makes people nervous to be around me, so be it. I’m not a loose cannon. I can hold my tongue when it’s in the best interest of all involved. I will just make my thoughts known when timing is more appropriate. 

Now I’m left to ponder more....

Open mind, open arms, open life. Trust.

People often say opportunity doesn’t knock twice. If it comes, you need to take it or you very well may miss out. I live my life this way. I have been given many opportunities over the past year. Honestly, I’ve been given a lot of opportunities in my life, period. 

I am not ashamed to say I have lived a blessed life. In no way was I super fortunate - we didn’t have a maid; my sister and I had to clean our own rooms. God provided me with an amazing family, though. I have a mother who has always supported me in my ambitions and a dad who did the best he knew how. (We butted heads frequently growing up. Similar personalities, I guess.) I was provided with a car when I turned 16. I was allowed to do what I wanted as long as I kept my parents informed. If I wanted to go out with friends, it was allowed. I was trusted. 

God also blessed me with what I often refer to as a “beautiful mind”. (Yes, I say that as a broad reference to the movie. I don’t suffer delusional psychiatric issues, but I do suffer anxiety.) I was privileged to live in a city and be enrolled in a suburban school system which created an amazing program for those gifted, like myself. This allowed me to learn to teach myself. It taught me to interact with and accept those who were different than myself (originally this applied to age). This program allowed me opportunity to take only a half day of school my senior year of high school and co-op the other half of the day. Once in college, I had my share of struggles, but thanked God for the “set-backs” as these allowed me opportunity to meet more people, make more friends, and grow up a little more. 

When I graduated college, I was unable to get the job I dreamed of. Instead I got a job in a small town working in the adult equivalent of what I wanted - oncology. (My dream was pediatric oncology.) A year later I was blessed with the opportunity to re-enter city life, work for a big hospital, and have an amazing job. I still work in oncology. I still count my blessings every day. 

I consider myself a Christian. I believe in God. If you asked me if I was religious, though, I’d probably somewhat deny it. I also believe in other belief systems - Buddhism, Judaism - and the differences between the different Christian faiths - Catholicism, Methodist, etc. I don’t think one is more right than the other. I do believe God has a plan for all of us, though. I know to trust in Him. Trust that He knows what he’s doing with my life. 

I occasionally struggle with my relationship status. I am single (duh) and part of me does want that “American dream”. However, part of me is glad to have my own life. Because of my status, I can be more involved at work - be on more committees, participate in an internship - and continue my education. I am thankful God has given me the opportunities He has and I continue to have faith that one day He will provide the right person at the right time. Who knows, maybe He already has introduced me to this person. Maybe He has already placed this person in my life and it’s just about realizing it. 

I was thinking today of my "situation". I was thinking of something said to me about events that transpired recently. It's something that has bothered me and, apparently, the other person involved. It's not something I am proud of, but it happened. The time is over and gone. I must learn from my "mistakes" or, better, lapses in judgment. I will move on. In continuing to think about this, I had a thought pop in my head. 

My epiphany of sorts: God doesn't always give you what you think you want; He gives you what He knows you need. Face opportunities, challenges, and changes, then, with an open heart, open mind, open eyes, and open arms. :)

Why other countries hate America

A big news story here in Indiana right now (and I'm pretty sure nationwide) is about the Carnival cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico that lost power a couple days ago. News media keep talking about how awful it is for these passengers to be "stranded" on this ship that supposedly lost all power. (I say "supposedly", because of they truly lost power, they wouldn't be able to steer it and motor it back towards America, as it currently is.)
A particular news story I'm recalling right now was one I saw on WTHR. They reporter spoke to a family member of a passenger. They spoke of this passenger like her life was in danger. Recalling her life -- such things as she was a cheerleader and attended college at Purdue. As the story progressed they kept mentioning "She's safe."
Well, duh. The ship is not in danger. The passengers are not in danger.

Another story, and I'm not sure of the station which originally aired it, talked about cooked food being brought from other sea vessels. The passengers were having to stand in line to get their food and, reportedly, those at the front of the line were hoarding food, so those towards the end ONLY got a hamburger for that meal.

Yeah, the news stories are focusing on people who are wealthy and privileged enough to go on a cruise all of a sudden learning to survive. Do these people not realize that there are many people in America who get just one warm meal a day? People in other countries who are lucky to get a hot meal each week? People who are lucky to get any good at all? Who count their blessings when they do get this? What about those who don't have electricity?! Who live in very hot countries and have, God forbid, no air conditioning?!

As a privileged American, it sickens me to see these stories lately. I can only imagine how other countries would feel...you know, if they had the money for electricity and a tv to watch free press!

What About....Love?

Valentine's Day is coming up. Yep, the day many people dread or downright hate. Why? Well, they're either single or in a relationship and facing the question of what to get their significant other.

In grade school we look forward to this day. In my grade school days, February 14th (or the Friday before, when it fell on a weekend) was the day we got to have a party and decorate brown paper bags with our names and the standard hearts. We then would go around passing out Valentines to every student. If you were anything like me, you would pick out your favorites to give to your friends and crush(es) or boyfriend/girlfriend. The day is fun. Everyone gets something. Everyone leaves feeling happy & loved.

So why do we become so jaded on the day as we get older? Probably because, as we get older, we realize that the only reason we got so many Valentines was because we had to hand them out to everyone - we couldn't just give them to those we liked. As we get older, we stop getting to celebrate the day at school and/or work. As we get older, the only Valentines we get are from significant others. If you are one of the seemingly few to not be in a relationship on this day, you feel alone and unloved. (News flash: Not everyone is in a relationship! It's okay!)

I still get some sort of Valentine's Day gift from my parents and a heart filled with chocolates from my grandparents. I wonder if I'm one of the few this applies to, though. I mean, how many 26 (almost 27) year olds get chocolates and gifts from their parents/grandparents?! (Not saying I don't like it. I love gifts anytime - themed, holiday-related, or otherwise.)

This brings up something somewhat mentioned in a previous post. I'm single. Yep. Have been for most of my life. It's not to say I don't date. It just has to be pretty established and must be exclusive to call it a relationship. I'm young. (Right? Someone tell me I'm young. I need to be young!) I have plenty of time for being tied down. I am starting to feel that need, though. Maybe it's all those around me getting married and having babies. Maybe it's my internal clock screaming at me, "IF YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES, YOU BETTER START FINDING A MAN!" That stupid internal voice. Sometimes she can be a real B.

Little voice, internal clock, whatever, I have started to do something about it. I (somewhat) jokingly created an online dating profile on a free dating website. (We won't mention which one.) I did this because a friend of mine had met her last boyfriend this way (they dated a little over a year) and was supposedly continuing to have success this way. I knew I sure wasn't having any luck randomly bumping into "Mr. Right" when I would go out with friends. Well, said profile turned out to be semi-successful. I have a few new male friends because of it. Had some cool guys to talk to and hang out with, but definitely not boyfriend material. I decided to try a different site - one a different friend met her current boyfriend on (they've been together for about 3 years now!). Is this site a success? Well, hard telling. Haven't been on it that long. (Just to be clear, this whole thing (meaning from first site til now) has only been going on for about 5 weeks.) I have met a couple other guys, though, thanks to it. Still in a very early stage. Mostly just texting. An occasional video chat is nice.

(Photo from: "Five jaded tips for online dating - don't get Te'od")

I definitely am trying to go into this whole thing very casually. I don't want to put hope or faith into it just because a couple friends of mine have met great guys this way. I mean, a lot more of my friends have met their husbands the "normal" way - at school or through friends. Neither of those worked for me. I wasn't interested in dating when in college. And my friends are either guys (I could never see them setting me up with one of their friends) or girls with limited guy friends (especially limited when it comes to those I don't know).

So how does the whole online dating thing work? I mean, is it considered "safe" now? I have a couple girlfriends that freaked out when they found out I had met two of the guys and didn't tell them first. I like to think I can defend myself pretty well (well enough to get away safely anyway) and know when something is safe or not. I would love to meet "the one" this way. Would it be weird to meet this way and tell our children later in life that we met online? Will that be what's "normal" by then? Is it normal now?

I could care less about Valentine's Day - this year or any year. The only special thing about that day to me is that it is my anniversary at my job. The best anniversary ever! This will be #2. A true blessing in my life. And this year, part of my day is already occupied -- I already have 2 appointments scheduled for that day. Who knows, maybe I'll randomly get lucky. Maybe I will meet that right one. For right now, I'm going to keep on living my life being thankful for every person and every blessing God brings into my life.



To those of you in relationships: Don't forget to make your significant other feel loved on Feb 14th and every other day that you are blessed enough to have him/her in your life.
To those of you single like me: Don't forget to make your other single friends feel loved and included on Feb 14 and every other day y'all are single! :)